mandy's Cancer Blog
July 2, 2009
I figure this is the place to do it. I have another blog that family/friends read, where I post some of the same things about our journey. But those people know me too well. I try to be honest about our situation, but at the same time I always feel like I have to be so positive! I know you all will understand, and I feel safe since none of you know me personally. I feel like if I let some of the not so positive truths come out to those I know, it will be hard to ever take back.
I think I’m just nervous about Travis’ upcoming surgery. We’ve been at this for so long now, trying to live life as normal as possible, and I can feel the pressure building and building. Travis has a lot of anxiety (understandably). That is one thing I hate the most about cancer. It has taken a positive, outgoing, happy person and has broken him down. He doesn’t want to be around people like he used to. He gets depressed. I never thought it was possible with him! Guess who he takes things out on when he can’t handle it anymore? Me. He loves me more than anyone in the world. I know that for a fact. He knows he can be himself around me. But I get tired of him trying his hardest to be happy and positive around everyone else and then behind closed doors he can be so ornery and short with me, misreading things I say, getting defensive over small things. Half the time I don’t even know what he is mad at me about. I try so hard to keep things calm and even, but sometimes I just can’t do it! I finally told him the other day that I don’t deserve to be treated poorly, that I have been beside him through thick and thin and will continue to do so, but I simply don’t deserve to get his worst when he gives everyone else his best. I felt selfish saying it, but it is true! I don’t deserve it. And I’m not going to pretend it’s okay anymore. He’s not like that every day, but more often when the stress is mounting (like now) when he’s sick on chemo, or whatever. I sometimes wonder if we need to have counseling. Just to have a mediator, someone who doesn’t know us, to bounce things off of. The problem is, Travis has a master’s degree in counseling. Go figure. There’s no way he will do it. How many of you get counseling? I have heard other cancer patients/caregivers say they couldn’t survive without it. How could it really help?
I guess I just get tired also of showing everyone my best side. I have 4 young kids. I take care of all of their needs. I work part time. I take care of all the household chores. I take care of the family finances (which are, needless to say, very tight). I hold a position in my church where I have a lot of responsibility. And I have a husband with cancer. Everyone always tells me how strong I am and how amazing I am and I really am not! I can pretend to be. I can make it look all good. But at home I want to do nothing but sleep and eat (I’ve gained 15 pounds through this whole ordeal- I’m normally very fit and I hate myself for it). I want my kids to go away, and everyone else for that matter. I have so much guilt for all of the things I’m not doing, for the person that I really am that I am hiding from everyone else, and for the life that is passing me by. My kids are growing up without all of me and they deserve more! As if it isn’t hard enough watching their dad go through this. I even feel guilty for admitting all of this! But I do feel better for it, if just for now.
Thanks for listening.
Thanks for your support - 
Hi, first of all, we all tend to take our frustrations out on the ones we love the most because we feel secure in that they will not leave us or walk away or not answer the phone, etc.. My husband had melanoma cancer 8 years ago and although his was only stage 1, it was a scary time and he was exactly like you described your husband. He was short with me, but pleasant around everyone else. Now that I have cancer, I try my best not to be short with him, but much of the time I believe the treatments are the cause of it all. As a current cancer patient, we get angry, upset, disgusted, more angry etc… unfortunately the ones that are there for us through thick and thin we take it out on, not intentionally but becaues you are there or him all the time and when he can finally let his guard down after the visitors leave, who is left but you. Please don’t take it personally, just try your best to let him know you are there for him and if he gets in a bad mood give him space. As for counceling, I haven’t gone that route only because I know I am depressed and why I am depressed and to me talking to a councelor isn’t going to help me anymore than if I talk to a friend or come on this blog. Everyone is different though, some people need counceling. I personally tried that before and all it did was make me more depressed. Talking with others going through the same issues is better because they truly understand what your husband and you are dealing with. Councelors don’t know unless they have been through it themselves. I am not ditching them, I just think the best people to talk to are ones who have been in our shoes.
Hang in there and vent away, that is what we are hear for.
hugs and prayers for you both
amy
Step back and take a deep breath. It takes alot to be a cancer caregiver and take on the world at the same time. My husband and I entered into this battle back in october 2008. He was diagnosed with AML. We only have two children however, but none the less I now had to do everything. I was working full time at first, taking him to all appointments, taking care of the kids and dog too, the house, the bills and oh yeah anything else that came my way. Five months went bye and I managed it all. Well almost all of it I did end up taking a leave from work. I felt my husband needed more than my job. I was by his side everyday and am greatful I did it because he just died on March 9, 2009. I had the same feelings you did. I would not say I was resentful (and neither are you) but in many ways I took the blunt of it all too. It was not an easy five months by any means but in hindsight I would not have traded it for anything. Brent was my best-friend and so much more. He was only 32. Life is so unfair. We miss him so much. I would give anything for five more minutes even if it was for him to snap at me. Take a break( even if it is a small one) do something for you. I’m sure you will feel better. Cancer sucks. It also can suck the life right out of you! You are doing an awesome job. Don’t beat yourself up.
Stacy
Thank you for understanding, I knew you would. And just as I thought, I feel sorry for complaining. T and I had a good talk (cry) together last night and I’m feeling again that I CAN do what I need to do. Thanks for the perspective.
Having Cancer makes even the nicest person crabby. They tend to treat the people around them crappy and they don’t even realize they are doing it.
I found that a calm conversation on one of their good days worked best.
Hi Mandy, just before I logged onto this site, Steven and I were having a ‘heated’ conversation about how cancer has changed our relationship. The whole week he’s been critical about everything the girls and I do, and he is so distant emotionally, showing no affection. Eventually I lost my cool, and said its about time he started showing me some love and kindness. He has just come upstairs and apologised and says he thinks its because the only way to stay strong is to show no emotion otherwise he’ll break down.(which he did, he cried now, and I have never seen him cry pre-cancer). So I know exactly how you are feeling. I never know from day to day if he’ll be up or down, you have to guage things continuously and adjust accordingly. We are both on anti-depressants, and have seen a councillor, but only when he’s admitted for chemo and really down. Neither of us feel it helped, but who knows, we do plenty of crying in the sessions and that seems to be a good thing. I suppose we just have to accept that there are good days and bad days, and that at the end of all this trauma that we have healthy husbands! I am also on this site so that I can speak honestly and not have to worry about upsetting family members. Hope you have a good weekend, love alison
I don’t know if it is a man thing but I think men make the worst sick people. They are used to being the strong ones that maybe being ill makes them feel more vulnerable than us women.
I think you were right to ask for respect. Your plate is really full and you deserve his appreciation for all that you are doing for the family.
I’m not a caregiver,,,but a patient. I try to always thank my husband for doing what he does for me. He has taken on a lot of the stuff I’ve always done…not that he has been perfect and not grumbled but he is making the effort and for that I’m truly grateful.
Hang in there…
Teresa